Good afternoon, and welcome to the U of X! We are so thrilled that each and every one of you is here visiting us today. I myself am a U of X alumnus, and I can tell you that this is the MOST AMAZING place to go to college in the country.
Do you know about all of our Really Famous and Accomplished Alumni? Three US presidents went here!
Eighty-nine current CEOs of Fortune 500 companies! Kesha and Beyonce – both alums!
And who’s your favorite cast member on SNL? Whoever it is: he went here! Or she went here! The U of X churns out celebrities and over-achievers at a pace that can only be described with one word: RELENTLESS.
Plus, we’ve had affiliations with more Nobel Prize winners than any other university on the planet. By “affiliations,” I am including Nobel Prize winners who have studied here, taught here, visited here for a semester, attended a conference here, or driven through town on their way to the airport. Every one of these people has added to the rich aroma of intellectualism that we inhale around here every minute of every day. And if you come here, you’ll be sucking it in, sucking it up, just sucking it. All the time. It’s awesome.
We have students from 87 countries and from all 50 states. Every single year. Even last year, when there were no 18-year-olds in all of Wyoming.
How many people already know what they want to major in? OK: raise your hand for natural sciences. Three, four, five – that’s awesome! Art, music, theatre – OK, that’s three, good. Literature and the humanities? History? Eight – wonderful. How many of you people have no idea what you want to major in? Be brave! Raise your hands! Because the U of X is a place that’s really, really perfect for you undecided types. You can try EVERYTHING here! We have 500 possible majors – more than one major for every member of the Freshman class.
So even people who come here thinking they know what they want, end up changing their minds along the way. I, myself, am a perfect example. I changed my major eight times! I started out pre-med, then I changed to pre-law, then pre-business. In the end I decided to major in Art History, because it’s in Art History that I truly found my passion. Art History turned out to be my absolute true love, the thing I was born to do in this world. It was such a rich journey of self-discovery to find out that my life’s passion is Art History – the kind of rich journey of self-discovery that is only possible at a place like U of X. And that is why I am now working in the Admissions Office.
I do hope you’re starting to love the U of X as much as I do, after this enthusiastic presentation! Of course, you don’t stand much of a chance of getting in. Last year we had 28 applicants for every spot in our Freshman Class. So you’re pretty much out of the running, even before you send in your application. Unless you’re from North Dakota or Arkansas, because it’s very important to us to have students from all 50 states, and those two only have 27 18-year-olds between them. If you come from North Dakota or Arkansas, you’re in! Same is true if your dad buys us a new sports arena. Otherwise, I’m afraid you’re more than likely shit out of luck.
But please know that if you weren’t SOL in terms of getting into the U of X, then we would make it possible for you to attend, regardless of your financial situation. Because we are really, really committed to creating a diverse and open learning environment that is open to everyone. Well, that is, open to 3.7% of everyone that applies. And of course, to 78% of the 18-year-olds from Wyoming.