Stick to your ribs

My blog post from a few days ago centered on a visual pun involving a condom.   I actually got this idea a couple of weeks ago.   So I went straight to CVS to buy the goods.

And I stocked up on razors.

On my next trip to CVS, I got everything I needed:  two kinds of lotion and eye makeup remover pads:

On my third trip I made a list, because I knew there was something I was forgetting.   And I found what I was looking for:   my favorite brand of bandaids, so hard to find that I bought two boxes, right then and there:

How hard could it be to just march into CVS to buy a condom?   I am solidly middle-aged and I've been married for 24 years.  For reasons that are both perfectly obvious and none of your business, let's just say it's been quite a while since the last time I did so.  And now that I'm here again, the choices are not at all obvious.   I am shopping, really, for photogenic condoms.   But which to choose??

Ultra-thin might be hard to see.  "Magnum XL" sounds promising promising.   But does size matter, in this context?   Further, condoms seem only to come in quantities of three or more.  But I only need one for my photo shoot.    Alas, I can't bring myself to ask the clerk if they sell singles.  I can barely bring myself to buy them at all.  

It occurs to me that I could pull attention from the condoms in my shopping basket by loading it up with other things:

But in the end I am paying $6.99 for a small box of condoms for a sight gag that maybe 20 people will see; and the extra goodies seem even more excessive.

When I finally make it to the counter with my Ribbed Trojans, the salesgirl says, with an arched eyebrow:  "Surely these are not for you...?"

No, of course she doesn't.    She couldn't give a rat's ass what anybody buys at her CVS, as long as they actually pay for it.

The ribbed condoms are, as it turns out, quite photogenic:

But the apple needs only one of three condoms.  What to do with the other two?

I briefly consider putting them in a care package and sending them to my teenage daughter at music camp; but in the end I decide that this might send her the wrong message.    (For the record:  yes, honey, I do want you to practice safe sex.  Just not until you're thirty.  And now get off of your cellphone:  you're supposed to be at camp.)

To the rest of you: if you're in the market for a couple of condoms, give me a ring.   I will send that extra box of bandaids right over.

 

 

4 comments

  • Liz
    Liz
    Still cannot bring myself to buy a box of condom! Has all hope vanished?

    Still cannot bring myself to buy a box of condom! Has all hope vanished?

  • Stephen Ansolabehere
    Stephen Ansolabehere
    Looks like the apple needs a little Viagra.

    Looks like the apple needs a little Viagra.

  • Mom
    Mom
    Send the Band Aids.

    Send the Band Aids.

  • Megan Gerber
    Megan Gerber
    Ask me next time ;-)

    Ask me next time ;-)

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