The NSA, we have recently learned, is collecting all sorts of data about all sorts of things, including email accounts. Senders, address lists, subject lines -- it's all fair game. As explained in one Washington Post article, "Taken together, the data would enable the NSA, if permitted, to draw detailed maps of a person’s life, as told by personal, professional, political and religious connections."
So what could the NSA discern about me from my inbox, should the notion pop into its adorably furtive little institutional head? I took a look to find out what they could learn, just from one representative 24-hour period:
1. Barack Obama is my best friend.
2. I am lonely. Very lonely. Apparently the mate of my dreams is senior:
Russian, and female:
Preferably, all at the same time.
3. I am struggling mightily to lose weight:
(This one took me a bit by surprise -- I'd always thought that Garcinia Cambodgia was a slugger for the Red Sox.)
I have not been so very worried about my weight recently, to be honest; but I guess I should be. These elderly black Russian babes must like their women really trim.
4. Dr. Oz is my personal physician, and he is taking my weight problem firmly in hand.
5. Michelle Obama is my best friend.
6. I like my cars exotic:
Like my women.
7. I am looking for a career boost, either from earning a PhD:
Or alternatively by training as an electrician:
8. I am in the market for a walk-in tub:
It's not for me, actually -- it's for my black Russian ladyfriend, who as we know is getting a bit infirm.
9. Nancy Pelosi is my best friend.
10. Laundry is a transformative force in my life:
This one is true, actually. I ADORE doing laundry. And if that hot black babushka thinks she's going to horn in on the ironing board, she's got another think coming!
If the NSA were to take the long view and analyze my inbox over the span of the last several years, then they would be relieved to learn that I have apparently recovered from the erectile dysfunction which was plaguing me so insistently a few years back.
The Russian babe will be so pleased.