It has been two years since my last mammogram. I have been overdue for a check-up, and last week I finally got around to it. It is critical, as you know, to periodically review how things have progressed, to analyze where matters now stand compared to where they were a year (or two) ago.
So I did what needed to be done. I revisited my 2013 "Singing Mammogram" on YouTube, to see how I now rank in the all-important category of Musical Mammograms.
The results? Not so great. My video comes in as the eleventh option on the Musical Mammogram YouTube search. In the past three years I have garnered a total of 1,043 views -- which does seem like a lot, until you consider that my mother is probably responsible for 586 of them (thanks, Mom!). Or until you consider that a Compilation of the Most Funny Cat Videos Ever, Part 1 has garnered 109,454,102 views (probably 110 million by the time you read this).
So who is topping the charts in the genre of Musical Mammograms, and how are they achieving their success? Because it is, indeed, a genre. These videos are sponsored by medical institutions (the USC Norris Cancer Center) or advocacy organizations (the Susan Komen Foundation). Most feature good production quality (got me there; although I am ever-grateful for the miracle that is iMovie) and cheerful groups of singers making boob jokes, ending with a sincere exhortation to go in for your mammogram (starting at age 50, or 40, or even, as in my very least-favorite example of the genre, at age 30) because, doggonit, it may just save your life.
There are some anomalies in the Top 10 Musical Mammograms -- Jane's Mammogram, for example:
This one is simply a poor-quality video of a woman's actual mammogram, set over a soundtrack. And yet this thing has 6,830 views (6,831, now that you have clicked on it!) -- nearly seven times as many as mine. What am I doing wrong?
Here's the one that gets me the most--the Giggling Gramma's [sic]:
The production quality is as mediocre as mine; there is no original music here, let alone images of steamrollers or vices. These ladies do nothing but giggle for the first 1:01 of their video--just about half of its length. And yet they have 4,233 views -- nearly four clicks for every one of mine.
All of which leaves me with the age-old question, familiar to everyone on the planet, or at least to all those of us who have a web presence: how can I get more people to look at me? Please send your suggestions my way.
Oh, yes -- and in between obsessively checking my web rankings, I did actually get my mammogram done. It was a bit of a hassle, because my health center is under construction, and many of its services have been temporarily relocated.
A few days before the exam, I received an email instructing me to arrive early, and informing me of the location to which I must report.
And arrive early I did, because I had absolutely no idea where the Richard A and Susan F Smith Campus Center B (ANCILLARY) was located, nor could I find an address on their website.
But the helpful health center folks were very happy to direct me when I arrived, 45 minutes in advance of my appointment, with plenty of time to sprint to the other side of campus, if necessary: the mammography center is in exactly the same place as it's always been. They've just given it a new name.
It occurs to me that this is perhaps just the inspiration I need to boost the ranking of my Singing Mammogram. I will re-post the video to YouTube -- but this time, with a brand-new name! That ought to do it.
I am planning to call it Compilation of the Most Funny Cat Videos Ever, Part 2.